dos and don'ts
We are a grief support group for mothers who have lost a child.
Bereaved parents, siblings and young adults ask that you try to put yourself in their position before you speak and then you may respond in a different way. Here are some helpful "Do's and Don’ts" that you may wish to use when talking with the bereaved.
- DO Let your genuine concern and caring show.
- DO Be available. Listen, run errands, help with childcare, provide food for out of town mourners, or whatever you perceive as needed at the time.
- DO Tell the family how sorry you are about their loved one’s death and about the pain they must be feeling.
- DO Allow them to express as much grief as they are able and are willing to share with you.
- DO Encourage them to be patient with themselves, not to expect too much of themselves too soon.
- DO Let them talk about the person and how they feel about the death, as often as they want.
- DO Talk about your memories of the child or parent and the special qualities that made them endearing.
- DO Give special attention to surviving brothers and sisters at the funeral and in the months to come. Their bereaved parents may not be able to give them as much as they would like to during the early phases of grief.
- DO Reassure them that they did everything that was possible, that the medical care was the best or whatever you know to be true and positive about the care given their loved one.
- DO Offer to be a friend. Deal with the grieving person gently and positively. Recognize that grieving has no time limit and varies from individual to individual both in the way they express their grief and the time required to stabilize. Don't let your friends, family or co-worker grieve alone. There is a tremendous sense of isolation and abandonment during the grief process. You can help by caring... by being there... by being the best friend you can.
Finally, remember that listening to your bereaved friend is the greatest gift you can give them.
- DON'T Let your own sense of helplessness and inadequacy keep you from reaching out to a bereaved person.
- DON'T Avoid them because you are uncomfortable and unable to cope with your own feelings about death.
- DON'T Say, "I know how you feel", unless you do.
- DON'T Say "you should be coping better by now" or anything else which may appear judgmental about their progress in grieving.
- DON'T Tell them what they should feel or do.
- DON'T Change the subject when they talk about their dead child/parent or sibling. Let them decide when to change the subject.
- DON'T Avoid mentioning the loved one’s name. Families haven't forgotten the death and your mentioning their loved one will bring up positive memories.
- DON'T Look for some moral lesson or something positive in the situation.
- DON'T Say they can always have other children (in the case of bereaved parents). Even if they wanted to and could, another child does not replace the child they've lost. And please don't suggest that they should be grateful for their own children. Grief over the loss of one child does not discount parent's love and appreciation of their living children.
